#even if he's a total shitbag I'm probably gonna love him

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Episode 3

Man Jojo, Ninew, Ninepinta and Vivienne know exactly how to build a mess because this was OUTSTANDING. Here's how the pimps and hoes are stacking up this week.

🔺1. Boston (3)

Damn! Tilly Birds should write a song about you.

THIS NASTY SHITBAG MOTHERFUCKER YAAASSSSSS KWEEEEN! Boston spent the entire episode mansplaining, manipulating and manwhoring and considering that is what this whole show is even about he fucking wins the week! Stringing Nick along, spewing poison into Top's and Ray's ears, fucking Top nasty in a classic automobile...I don't care what any of you say, he's the winner.

🔻2. Ray (1)

Don’t define it. Just enjoy your life. You said you could differentiate between love and lust.

This dizzy bitch. This messy mess-ass hoe. Playing with everybody's feelings because he can never face up to his own and just fucking deal with his shit. Everybody is correctly fed up of his bullshit, including Sand and Sand LITERALLY JUST MET HIM. Sand telling him to save his money for a shrink was the best advice any character has ever given any other character on any show anywhere.

🔺3. Nick (5)

Can friends with benefits turn into lovers?

Well the boy is dumb but he's not dumb if you know what I mean. Boston is screwing with his head and he knows it, but he just can't help himself cuz dick2bomb. They say you should never actually get your crush, and this is why. Nick being a sneaky surveillance spy bitch is the main reason Boston should've never messed with him, because now he's gonna go NSA on his ass. He wants that man and he will have him, whatever it takes.

🔹4. Sand (4)

If you want a boyfriend, get yourself a boyfriend. Don't mess with me.

SAND YOU KNOW BETTER! YOU KNOW THIS MAN IS A MESS! AND YET YOU ARE STILL FALLING FOR HIS CHARM. Sand giggling and twirling his hair with Ray in the car was...it was embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you sir. Sack the fuck up. Like when you threw Top the middle finger, more of that. Also, what the fuck happened between those two TELL ME JOJO!

⭐5. Yo

Sweet as sugar, hard as ice. Hurt me once, I'll kill you twice. Haven’t you heard?

We have our first sighting of Yo in the rankings! Homegirl clearly has all her shit together: a thriving business, a hot and devoted younger man, and a house full of kids who stay drinking her dranks and eating her food because they can't get their shit together. And she looks like a bag of money THE ENTIRE TIME, just FLAWLESS. More of her please.

🔺6. Top (7)

♪ I’m a villain, no matter how much I love you, I must die eventually ♪

So he totally planted that guy at the silent disco right? Seemed like a weird play to push Mew along. Because at 3 months, the game's probably gotten a bit boring, especially if Mew's not even giving him the occasional sniff at it to keep him on the hook. Top likes a challenge and he sorta likes Mew, but if Mew really did screw Ray, maybe he's not so interested anymore. To be clear: I absolutely do not think Top is jealous, more like the shine wears off Mew for him if Mew has succumbed before. I still don't trust a thing coming out of this man's mouth, but the way he worked Boston OUT in that car is worth at least a one-rank jump.

🔻7. Mew (2)

-Are you drunk and taking advantage of me? -Don’t you like it though?

Mew is this week's biggest loser, falling the furthest from last week as his shtick starts wearing thin. Mew's overplayed his hand a bit here: his testing of Top has gone on too long. He doesn't even dispute Top calling him his boyfriend even as he insists they're not dating yet. He was totally about to give it up after the party because I think he realised he had gone from a challenge to a bore, but he waited too late, Boston had a chance to get into everybody's head and now it's all fucked. When he finally sleeps with Top next week it's not a victory for him, it's a capitulation. Also, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH HIM AND RAY I NEED TO KNOW LIKE RIGHT NOW I CAN'T WAIT A WHOLE WEEK!

🔻8. Cheum/April (6)

Guys, I think I’m gonna throw a pool party.

Poor Cheum, the only person to remember they are in fact trying to run a fucking business and actually working at the pool party rather than causing and/or engaging in drama, and April right by her side just helping her woman out because her so-called friends are a dumpster fire. As usual, the lesbians gotta be the ones getting shit done.

[tacky-optic]

Had a question about who our favorite Zenigata partner is in a server I'm in and now I can't stop thinking about them. Tis the zaza sickness.

anyway here's literally all of the characters Zenigata's been partnered with that i could find (within reason). if anyone wants to elaborate on any of these guys (cough yata cough) please feel free to go absolutely ham. *(obligatory spoiler warning for a whole lotta lupin specials, waow-- notably zenigata keibu since that's probably the most unwatched of everything i cover. but if youre here im guessing youre as unfortunately well-versed as i am so LETS FRIGGIN GET INTO IT)

Starting off nice n' mellow. I'm pretty neutral on Yata, tbh. I just think he's neat and it's easy enough to write him and not much else. I've rambled about him being a stand-in for the viewer before, but overall i just don't have all that many thoughts on the guy (seriously someone please do yata). ironic considering he's hands-down the most prevalent sidekick to date, but alas. head remains empty.

MARIYA. Mariya my girlie oh how i love thee. finally, someone with a Gimmick on par with Mr. my-sword-can-cut-anything. Plus she's super sweet and smart and sharp and just an all-around endearing character. AND SHE'S DIFFERENT!! she's tagging along with Zenigata of her OWN FREE WILL like gurl what are you THINKING. there isn't a shred of coherent interview material to draw from this man, especially about Lupin. The dynamic they end up developing is on point, though!! Zenigata's initial total miscall of it aside, It's just plain ol' wholesome. If Yata's his surrogate son than Mariya's obviously his daughter. No shot in hell they don't at least keep in contact after the special's done. plus her snapping a pic of him every time he eats shit is peak comedy journalism

MOTHAFUCKIN' MELON COP!! an absolutely magical reefer-smokin' shitbag, especially in the edgy Tokyopop translation. He's a great foil to our otherwise serious(ly neurotic) manga Zenigata. Not to mention the combative potential with a down the line Melon.... ough. A more toned-down "newer part"-esque Zeni getting slapped with an extremely smug and insistent reminder of his angstlord past is such a delicious concept to me. i will be using this guy extensively in that exact way one of these days-- he's too fun not to.

a bit of a sidenote but i've gotta point fingers at gray jacket again (can't recommend it enough) for having my favorite melon depiction in fic; walther recently had him show up in their fic secondhand vanity as well (which i also can't recommend enough), so needless to say i think he has some fun potential.

Sakuraba and Kunikida from the live-action show get honorable mentions, obviously. They're both so different yet learn so much from Zenigata all the same. As far as reacting to the inspector goes, they're the ideal Yatas (again i am so so sorry yata-- surely someone will do you justice). Even though they aren't technically "new" to the force they're new to the Zenigata Shenanigans, and that is where the entertainment factor is. Sakuraba's the traditionalist keibu method-doubter whereas Kunikida's this mousey blue around the gills fella, and over their respective case file appearances, they both gain faith in/learn confidence from Zenigata, respectively. It really is a great bit of development to watch play out.

I'm gonna count The Guys™️ as a collective group/formless mass with maybe one of the Guyest of Guys as Zenigata's right hand Guy, like that one dude in Cagliostro. Apparently the name he's given in one of the dubs is Sam?? That's neat. Sam's neat. for anyone interested in some homework, here's the link to the highly informative lupin forum thread i found that out from: [x]

But yeah the Guys! Right from the start, Zenigata having this army of inexplicably and absurdly loyal cops was always a fun trope and i love to see 'em whenever they show up. I had this idea ages ago for this fake documentary-style miniseries based around them-- all the usual Lupin nonsense goes on in the background while we get a peek at the typically unseen shenanigans happening on the law-bearing side. Getting assigned to the lupin taskforce is probably seen as some kind of punishment, but that just makes the camaraderie all the more tight-knit. There'd be some behind-the-scenes Zenigata/how he interacts with them, what they get up to on their own whack case assignments when they're in a Lupin sighting lull.... hell maybe we even learn why they're all so damn loyal to this one supposedly hyper-independent guy. I think it'd be fun but maybe that's just the Zenigata hopeful in me. Surely he's capable of building some semblance of rapport with the fine group of folks he drags around the world with him....

Let's just rip the band-aid off-- I dislike Oscar with a burning passion. which is weird, right? because i like Melon Cop, the dude who's totally cool with straight-up cold-blooded judge/jury/executioner-style murder. I dunno dude the obsessive daddy kink simping's just too feckin' weird for me. i checked the hell out so fast. If the goal was to make Oscar extremely disquieting, they friggin' did it. Granted he was written to be a bit whack from the start, and getting raised(?)/mentored by THAT Zenigata would irreversibly mess anyone up. I get that the fucked up-ness is part of the appeal, but man. How anyone can gravitate towards Oscar without heavily modifying his whole deal escapes me.

I've seen him written tolerably in fic maybe... twice? He's in gray jacket (there it is again!) and SMRO (needs no introduction nor explanation), so obligatory kudos to anyone who can wrangle [gestures vaguely at all of that].

Vicky though. Vicky Flannigan from Island of Assassins is so goddamn funny. Still can't believe they took one of the most badass Zenigata character designs and actively went out of their way to make him bedridden. I've seen folks call him "Proto-Yata" and. Yeah. Can't argue. He's a glorified babysitter, if anything, and the only reason he's even remotely effective is because he (accidentally) broke both of Zenigata's legs. Funniest shit istg

ICPO LADIES!!! They're cute. Designs could be better but it's Babylon yknow. Despite being an admittedly fun romp, the special has its obvious.... uh. issues. product of its time and all that. iykyk. anyway LADIES. They're competent. They take No Shit from Zenigata. The random little crush that comes out of nowhere between Chinjao and Goemon is cute as hell. Plus, I've seen some pretty rockin' fandom redesigns floating around.... wouldn't mind in the slightest if they made a comeback.

I'm gonna lump all of the Betrayers into one category: Emily O'Brien from Angel Tactics, Kazami from Fuma Conspiracy, and Terry Crown from Alcatraz Connection. Never expected the "Zenigata's partner is the bad guy!!1" trope would be so prevalent, but it tracks in retrospect. It's a neat enough idea-- bummer they never seemed to nail it down, though.

The only reason O'Brien is so predictable is because she's so goddamn unlikable. There's hardly any screentime of them working together and in every single scene, the incompetency just feels so blatantly intentional its almost offensive lmao. Zero surprise in the slightest when she showed her true colors-- just mild annoyance, which tracks for the whole special tbh. Only worthwhile parts are the beginning and the end, and absolutely none of that has anything to to with O'Brien.

Kazami just has that chump secondary villain face y'know. Again, a bit on the nose how obnoxiously dorkish he is-- but them playing up him putting on his glasses so Fujiko can recognize him got a little laugh outta me, ngl. He served his purpose, plain and simple.

I'll never know whether Crown was predictable or not because I stumbled across ""Evil Columbo"" before I watched Alcatraz, but despite the spoiler I can at least say he isn't lame as shit. Pre-reveal, he's probably the closest we'll get to a taste of what Melon might be like in modern Lupin media. He's your run-of-the-mill corrupt sleazebag detective-- steals evidence, generally doesn't give a fuck, takes cheap jabs at Zenigata-- but their final standoff is what puts him above Kazami for me. Just a real melodramatic overdramatic moment of Zenigata Zenigata-ing his heart out.

Welcome to the ELDERLY MEN CATEGORY, OORAH. The old guy from Twilight Gemini, Kogoro Akechi from the pilot, and George McFly from First Contact. I could track down Gemini old guy's name, but I hand-to-god couldn't care less. The only worth a damn thing Gemini's given me is that one jigzeni screenshot, so we're just gonna move on to the next two.

Not much of Akechi, huh. He only shows up in the pilot and doesn't do anything of note besides be someone for Lupin to disguise himself as. Dare i say Goemon was a more effective ally to Zenigata than Akechi...? yeah sure, why not. Goemon's a zeni sidekick. i'll die on that hill. anyway I believe he's also a reference to a pre-existing character...? like Lupin, Goemon, and Zenigata are. All in all its probably for the best that he didn't make it to part 1.

Finally, the only old guy that actually has aspects to talk about. I actually really like McFly and the role he plays in First Contact; it isn't Zenigata learning from whoever his partner may be, but McFly learning from Zenigata. He's a jaded, on-the-verge-of-retirement type that thinks he's seen all the force has to offer, but here comes this young (is he considered "young" in this?? early, maybe) freak-ass foreigner cop with a vendetta he's practically frothing at the mouth to rectify. Neither of them are exactly enthused to be working together, but McFly sticks around anyway and learns to see past a lot of Zenigata's first impression baggage; the tenacity, the passion, the genuineness of it all. Not only does he want to make real change, but the crazy bastard can actually friggin' do it. ...Or at the very least make a sizable dent.

Zenigata sincerely adheres to the idea of what a cop's supposed to be, fundamentally, and not what a "cop" actually is, as a vague collective occupational concept. Zenigata has a genuine effect on McFly-- enough to make him just the slightest bit less soured by the end of it all. It's a nice sentiment; that no matter where you are in life, ideas can still change. It's a small arc that flies beneath the radar of everything else, but i noticed it. I FRIGGIN' NOTICED IT, MAN

tl;dr Zenigata's a lonely guy, sure, but he doesn't have to be.

That should cover all of the significant parts/specials/movies, but if i missed anyone (any notable episodes? manga?) lemme know. Either way, it's nice finally having 'em all in one place.

[indigoire]

Alright, let's check the transcript for the next Magnus Archives episode before I listen...

Oh worm?

OH, WORM???